Monday, January 21, 2013
I remember it like it was yesterday, sitting in the doctors office, waiting for the results to come back. We had a simple conversation just 15 mins ago about several odd symptoms I had been having. I was almost certain I had breast cancer and my time was up. Twenty six years old and I was picking out my funeral song. OK, I may have been a tiny bit dramatic.
" Jess, is there a chance you are pregnant?" Shocked I replied " Heavens no, my body is in no condition and it isn't in our plan right now, we are not trying." She replied " Well,why don't we take a little test just to make sure." I agreed, though I really saw no purpose. Waiting there to get negative results, I heard the nurse say something interesting to the doctor outside the door. " Does she know?" Clearly they were talking about the patient in room 3, not me. In walked the doctor, eyes bugged out staring at me. " Honey, you are pregnant." She said." No, are sure? No, see, you have it mistaken. Those are two lines. That is negative. " I said. She looked me straight in the eye, " you are pregnant."
Lord, what are you thinking? You know the darkness going on in my life right now. Lord, I just got out of an inpatient eating disorder clinic, there is no way I can be pregnant. Now what? Like a flash flood a memory came back of words i had spoken a day earlier to my husband, as he was in one of his desperate pleas for me to eat. I remember turning to him and saying" The only way I would ever eat is if I had a baby inside of me, and they needed my nourishment." A day later, I was pregnant. At that moment as I was driving home, Selah's song " Be still" came on the radio. Instantly Psalm 46:10 immersed my brain. " Be still and know that I am God." Overwhelming peace came over me, and you know what I did? I went out and grabbed me the biggest, fattest turkey sandwich ever. A delicacy I had not allowed myself in over a year. In fact the only thing I had allowed myself over 500 calories in a day. I was still, and I knew He was God, and I knew a great thing had been done. A saving light had beamed into the darkness. A 98lb a anorexic girl was free to eat. I now had been entrusted with a little one,and I was going to give Him my best.
Now I'm here, with 3 children and a loving husband. Life's circumstances have happened, and we find ourselves using terms such as the "bottom falling out from under us." Life has wearied my heart. Darkness has once again found my soul. This morning when the verse of the day happened to be our life verse, Psalm 46:10, I was saddened. I wasn't still anymore. I wasn't trusting He is God. In fact I wasn't trusting anyone. How Lord? How can I find that still soul again? How can this bruised tattered heart trust again? When can I see the light in the dark?
The truth is, I don't have to go very far to find it. It is all right there for me. My fear is grasping it, and still hurting. Deep down I know that if I grasp that still trusting soul, it doesn't mean the pain will end instantly. It means that if I chose to know He is God, then I chose to accept that I'm not in this alone. I chose to accept He has a plan and a purpose. I chose to see the light, rather than allow my pain to blind me. I'm required nothing but to trust in Him. In knowing that, I can once again allow myself to be enveloped in His love, and be still.